Tuesday, August 28, 2012

Abundant Love


Existence is God's cacophony of love
We are riding the waves, balancing on truth and ecstasy
The blessed mother is here and her light is dawning

Abundant love
Abundant love
Abundant love

The fertile earth
Happiness
The golden sun

To Come

A winged sun on my shoulders
A deep deep love
Abundant sunshine
Rivers flowing

Tuesday, July 24, 2012

The Infinite is so Beautiful

Faith, surrender, love
Wildness
Alchemy
The healing of the earth
New light
Indigenous life
Wild creatures
Love
Deep love
Gardens
Happiness
The sun sets
The stars shine
The three kings bear their holy gifts
Enlightenment
Holy light
The solar king is the doorway
The infinite is so beautiful
Our father is cosmic dust
Our mother is the pink light shining in the forest at dusk
I saw her, Magdalena planting flowers
At the foot of the cross, taking away the sorrows
We cleanse the earth
The heart shines
The ship descends
The pyramids cast their well-being
A child awakens
We gather
It is all happening right now, the snake is eating its tail
Rejoice!
This is how we love.
Rejoice.
Go to the mountains, go to the ocean
Bathe in the waterfall
Love the sun
The sun gives us life!
We are the children of God
Love your mother, love your father
Hold hands, jump from the cliff into the pool below
These are the days of wild hearts

Friday, April 27, 2012

New Earth

Creative community, radical culture, color, the wisdom of eternal people, manifesting here and now to transform the way we live and exist.  Wildness.  Communal wildness for the sake of reclaiming the earth, reclaiming ourselves, our bodies, our communities, our culture, our children.  My heart.  Wild, artistic, creative community.  Rewilding, returning magic to earth to make beautiful life.  Radical honesty. 

Saturday, April 21, 2012

Darkness and Light


Who ate the bad apple?  There were people who knew how to make beautiful, sacred life.  Why is the white man killing everything?  I want those men who are hoarding all the money to wake up and let it all go.  I want us all to wake up and let money dissolve, love each other and live in harmony.

Monday, August 9, 2010

After

We drank our wine,
ate our sugared berries.
Today we wash the pots,
throw the scraps to the pigs.

The sun is setting earlier now, fall will come soon.
The tomatoes swell and the corn stalks grow tall.
We continue walking the labyrinth,
by day taking shade,
by night diving into the pond and howling.

My sister got married this weekend.
Bless her!
Bless her with never-ending happiness.
She cried.
This world loves her so much,
embraces her for saying yes to what is good and true.

It is good, being alive now.
There is much to remind us.

Eternal Consecration

For Rebekah and Brad

We walk through the forest.
The sun shines down through the pines,
painting the mountain's eyelashes gold.

We come upon a waterfall,
a stream surrendering itself to a chasm below.
Flying bats usher us into a cave.

Deep within the darkness glows a flame.
We follow, there is magic here.
There is love here, within this dense, cool earth.
Shakti is marrying her consort.
Orange lilies line the torch-lit walls.

She stands before us, radiant,
the bride of fire,
the scarlet hummingbird, ready and firm,
stepping lightly through cool water to meet her groom.
He is there, quietly glowing, noble and true,
awaiting her upon the lotus.
They embrace.

The sun beckons us outside with a goodnight kiss,
and night pulls us into her star-dusted cloak.
She brings the crescent moon and our evening queen Venus,
following our sweethearts down the mountain.

Have they always walked hand in hand?
Have they known each other from the beginning?

They consecrate with jasmine,
dive into the river like dolphins finding a new home.
Their laughter floats by on dragonfly wings.

They emerge and return to us,
trailing the ribbons of dream-time.
The gods do grace us,
and we smile, drink our wine, fall in love.
This is how it has always been.

We love them, these shining beauties,
these beings of grace upholding the temple of creation.
And here, the angels give their gentle blessings,
the butterflies and moths dance all night.
And we come together and form the arc of love.

Saturday, July 24, 2010

Thor's Day

The thunder that trumpets
the coming of the storm.

Rain down,
baptize me.

With resplendent love.

The sun set into rose petal glory.
The moon shone down upon us,
followed us as we walked into the night.

I would tell you more,
but the sacred one calls me now,
Venus and her violet consort.

But dream of it for me,
and tell me in the morning when you rise.
Tell me of the one who gives you life.

Full of Grace

And full of honesty,
about the strangeness of life.

I have had many wounds.
Now they are healing.
But really that is the truth for all of us.

Are you awake?
Do you know the truth of existence?

It is encoded in your heart,
get quiet and see if you can find it.

Love heals everything, it is the only healer.

I say to the meanness, lurking, unchecked,
Shit, it's in me too.
I keep trying to hide it with quiet sweetness,
but my tiger's fangs are fierce.

And then...And yet,
I am flawed...I am a child of God.

I forgot my dignity yesterday,
slipped, spoke too soon, too much.

Today I am repentant, sorry,
but reaching beyond shame,
for deep breaths, compassion, trust.
Ever and eternal trust.
That I didn't fuck up the whole cosmic map,
rip across the sand mandala
with a drunken, young-girl stumble.

And the universe still marvels,
loves us all the more.

Monday, July 12, 2010

When Darkness Comes

When darkness comes,
stand tall.
Hold your flaming sword,
steady your torch.
Relax and let the wave gush through you.
Pray.
Find God in your heart
and give thanks for what is good.
Look upon the Heavens and ask the stars for guidance.
Gently untie the knots of worry and fear,
so that you may sooth the troubled one
with a joyful dance.

Friday, July 9, 2010

But Our Darkness Is Thick

Deep in the forest,
past plantations and clear cuts and rubber stands,
past fires and tourists and river boats,
there was a hole.

There was a legend
that whoever fell into the hole
would fall into the land of the gods.

When the boy fell in,
chasing a snake through the brush,
people heard his screams.

His mother reached for him,
his father held her back.
People gathered.

The mother held vigil all night,
pleading with the stars.

The next day the clouds were dark.
The mother wept behind a tree.
Her daughters brought her home and fed her.

That night the boy emerged, silently,
crawled and slithered through the vines
and immersed himself in the river.
He lay still in the shallows, waiting.

He came in the morning with a shriek,
caught a chicken and ate it.
People gathered and someone drew a circle around him.
He crouched.
Someone brought fire,
some men held torches,
surrounding, closing in.

The boy cowered, looking for escape.
He saw her,
tear stained and wary from sleepless nights.
He howled and she rushed forward,
threw him on her back, ran.

He ate her alive.
Days later, far into the jungle.
He returned and they caged him,
brought him to a cliff and let the panthers eat him.
His father took his daughters and went away.

I know it is sad.
Be brave.
The light will illuminate
but our darkness is thick.

Tuesday, July 6, 2010



Look Into My Eyes

I look into your soul
and see the light eternal.
A flower ever blooming,
clouds parting for the sun.

Tell me of your dreams,
the ones that whisper truth,
of angels dancing on hilltops,
who bring life and lust and glory.

I tell you new life will come
when the flames have died away,
when the lion devours the snake,
when the wounds have all scabbed over.

Of wounds we could talk for hours,
sirens in the night,
fires that end in anguish,
babes born unto the plague.

But look into my eyes,
look now and forget it all,
lull the angry one to sleep
to dream of summer and warm milk.

Look into my eyes,
for here you will find hope,
hope for us to remember
that which gives us life.

There is one who brings salvation,
whose name I will not tell you.
But look into your heart,
and holding firm, walk forward.

Monday, July 5, 2010

I Will Tell You This Dream Is Full of Light

A very long time ago,
on the side of a mountain,
there lived a man.
He walked amidst flowers,
eagles soared above.

One day he found a girl lying beside a rock.
She was nearly dead of a snake bite.
Just leave me! she hissed.
He carried her home.

He made a fire.
The girl slept.
She dreamed of horses thundering through valleys,
lions jumping down cliffs,
a five-headed snake and a warrior who would save her.

She awoke.
The man painted.
She awoke.
The man stoked the fire.
She awoke.
The man made tea.

What is this dream?

She drank his potion, let him feed her boiled roots.
She missed her family, yet she stayed.
She regained her strength.
They went for walks to the river.
He smiled but never laughed.
His eyes were blue and shone with light,
and when he looked upon her, she looked down.

What is this wild dream?

Her family came looking for her.
She awoke from afternoon sleep and heard them.
She wanted to run but he held her hand, softly.
She wept.

It is beautiful, in the heartbreak there is beauty.

She walked down the mountain, collapsed into her father's arms.
Her hair was braided and adorned with feathers.
They saw she no longer belonged to them.

They made camp.
Her sister found berries.
At dawn he came, cloaked in bearskin.
Her heart leaped,
but she returned with her family to her homeland.

Some nights she would dream of him,
they would be birds flying in the night sky,
bear cubs swatting at butterflies.

She grew older, collected water with the women,
watched her friends get married and bear children.
She climbed to the ridge at night and spoke with the stars.
You will never see him again, they said.

She married the son of a hunter.
She learned to tame horses
and tore across the land on their backs,
always returning.

I will tell you that this dream is not easy,
I will tell you that it is full of light.

When she died she was an old woman,
and when the stars came down to escort her,
they descended robed in vines and flowers.

I cannot take you with me, she said to her loved ones.
But do not forget me, for I will make a home in your hearts.
She left and the earth shimmered,
the angels sang and the horses shook their manes.

But please don't think too much about it.
Please stay quiet and remember the cave,
the eyes that would slice through fire.
Please dream without ceasing.

Sunday, July 4, 2010

Dear God

Dear God,
Teach me to be true
Teach me to be true
Teach me to be true

Flow through me like the river that slices through the valley
we saw on our drive east to the hot springs

We lay in the sun.
I closed my eyes and saw a mountain,
from its peak fell a golden ring.

God, please marry me.
Marry me for eternity.

I am moving to the mountains to be with you.
I heard your call, your voice that traveled through the wormhole.

I want others to know you,
It hurts when we forget.
Some days, my whole being sings your name.

Venus

I felt you, Venus,
shining upon us,
reigning over swallows swooping
in the gorge of nighttime feeding.

We watched from the bridge below,
walking home over the slate gray river,
skipping from stone to stone in the day's last light.

The next day we lay like sea lions on rocks.
Strangers ran by,
the woman riding piggyback on the man.

Beside us the river gushes.
We jump in.
Do you know? I don't want to impress you.
I want to be a channel,
and when I'm not a channel,
I just want to share about this human dream.

This Dream

A young boy said:
This feather is for you but don't take it home.
He couldn't remember my name but I think he knew me.
When he smiled, I could see myself and my heart cracked.

A song, it goes,
Tell me one more time
why you went away...
And another one:
I want to tell you
how much
I love you...

A dad who died when I was 19
and in my dreams I search,
beating on doors,
weeping when I find him.
Please never leave!

One time I sat in the sun and closed my eyes.
Down the cliff below, ocean waves lapped on the shore.
I closed my eyes and Christ came. He was big,
and his heart opened in a thousand rays of light.
I walked in. He held me.

I'd like to never walk out,
but I do sometimes.
When I forget who I am,
when darkness overwhelms me,
when I don't feel strong or brave or kind.

Somehow, it's about the marriage between heaven and earth,
the divine and the human.
It all returns to love,
it all returns to love.
I am remembering.

Saturday, August 1, 2009

Goodbye Baba

I did not fully realize how important my grandfather was to me until he died. He gave me a big gift in this life. He taught me that I am special. He taught me to fill my heart with love, and to share it with those around me.

Baba honored and adored me. He delighted in my presence and my beauty. He taught me to play tennis and he gave me math problems to solve. He would say to me, "Yes Princess, what is it that you want? Whatever you want you can have."

What he gave me most is a sense that I am loved just for being who I am, and that the people around me are so happy to share life with me. For me he was a source of love and light and beauty, of passion and devotion to the heart. When I would leave his house after a visit he would say, "I'm going to miss you for a long, long time."

I wish I had a big story I could share today that would demonstrate how I know my grandfather loved me unconditionally. But all I have are little slices of memory, of his smiling face, of him saying, "Oh wow," and "Jan, did you know she could do that?" And what I carry with me now is an open heart and a deep love of life. I know that Baba saw that in me when I was a child, and he helped me cultivate it, simply by being my loving supporter.

During the week before Baba died, I felt his presence daily. I journeyed with him as his soul tied loose ends and found peace in all that had been painful. When he began to open to the Infinite, I prayed for angels to surround him and guide him into the next realm. I sent my heart to him, and in return he gave me a glimpse of the bliss of uniting with God.

In dying, my grandfather has given me such a gift. He created space for me to be present for his soul's journey home. And in the wake of his passing, he has left room for me to reflect on how I choose to be alive in this world - how I may be happy and free, loving and giving; how I may honor myself and those around me.

The day after his death I went for a hike along Eagle Creek, an epic ridge in Northwestern Oregon, and I thought about how Baba found peace in nature. I felt his presence in the hawks soaring overhead and the sunlight glinting through the trees. I told the story of his life to my friends. I cried because I felt an emptiness where he had been. One friend said that now I carry my grandfather with me. I am who I am because of him, and I go forward into the world treasuring and sharing the gifts he has given me.

These days I am learning to live from my heart in every moment, to ground through my center and live in my joy. From a place of connection with Heaven and Earth, I am learning to serve humanity - to bestow my blessings on those around me. I do a lot of work with children, and this month I am starting a Waldorf teacher training program. Baba's love has enabled me to give my gifts and to let my light shine brightly.

Last weekend I went back to Eagle Creek, and I jumped off a cliff into a waterfall. I was quite scared, but as I plunged into the cold water, I felt reborn into a life full of joy and passion, and commitment to humanity's awakening. I felt Baba's light shining down on me, as if he were a bird perched on a tree above, watching and congratulating me for stepping into my truest expression.

Now Baba becomes an angel for me, guiding me and helping me grow into my true self. This is my prayer to him:

May I be loving
May I be generous
May I delight in the beauty around me
May I sit in peace

And this is my prayer for all of us who have gathered here today, and for all those who have known my grandfather: may we look within ourselves and find the parts of Rahim that we hold, both painful and beautiful. Let us come together and honor him, so that we may carry his heart and his love and his many gifts forward into this world.

Sunday, June 14, 2009

Happiness

Horses
Yoga
Running
Square Dance

Drawing
Painting
Writing
Walking

Potlucks
Dinners
Garden
Tea

Eating
Reading
Breathing

Sewing
Dancing

Watching the sunrise
Watching the sunset
Watching the moon

Swimming in oceans
Tending my houseplants
Smiling

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Summer

The warm breeze blows
The sun lets fall its golden dust.

The child weeps:
Mama!

Hard green pears are growing every day.
Inside me a star is bursting, being born.

Sunday, May 31, 2009

Spring time

Trampoline time
Tiger Power
Freedom?
Green and glowing sunset in the heart.
Volcanoes
Banjo
Tragedy!
Tell me one more time, why you went away...
Relishing the pain
Is life beautiful?

Monday, January 12, 2009

the holy scouring

fire
fury
fire
fury
fire

do i want to grow old and before that buy a house?
did my body grow into big booty beauty? big mama apple lover?
is there a case when fear is the right way?
should i start saving money for retirement?

can i have freedom?
ecstatic sunshine horse rooting, cardinal sunset river gushing?

i am coming to life like blue toes defrosting in a hot bath.
i am becoming more human everyday.

Sunday, January 4, 2009

inside, the universe says:

there is a mother, and her child is small, and she is in a rocking chair sewing by a woodstove. there is snow outside. she is making a quilt for the horses, it is made of oak leaves and river waves. she is embroidering spider tracks. the birds and some bats sing her the story of our love, while she is picking raspberries, while she is watching shooting stars. she can feel the tender places, she can feel what it is to be eaten by wolves. she knows fragility. inside, her babe is alone.

Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Trip East

I am from:
earth.
salmon earth meeting salmon sky streaks on a hill walk
toes sloshing in sheepskin boots
lovers parting to meet old lovers,
hearts hurting.
The wind blew hard and some hats began to fly away.
Down below, the the barked to the people above.




A year ago we tromped over stiff grasses iced with winter.
We tiptoed across the creek and
I shuddered recalling secrets I used to show you.
Later, when we had warmed our toes,
when we had eaten sweet potatoes
and said goodnight to your dying stepdad,
I crawled into your bed and you painted me like you used to.
I asked if I was still beautiful and you said yes.

This year again, we sloshed through sunset-ice and melting snow,
your beast dog bounding ahead.
I doubted myself as you showed me the ease of your creation,
as you slipped into the nonsense that holds me at bay.
This year we walked with my lover and his old lover.
I felt alone and alive
and when we climbed the fire tower the wind lioned its way into
many parts of me.

We came down in the dark.
My toes stayed cold and wet while I drove home alone,
letting the radio merge into my crying.
This year I took refuge in my cobbled family,
the warmth of a feisty sister in law.
Now I am flying back over the mountains,
to the place where I didn't know you but I dreamed of you,
the place that you didn't come because it would quell your fire
with its spongy earth and pouring rain.

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

To Do:

Visit Utah
Learn to sew
Knit beauty
Travel
Be at Naropa
Create ecstatic partnership
Cook beautiful foods
Live on a farm
Grow food for myself and others
Have horses and bunnies and goats
Raise children with Rebekah
Love my sweetie as fully as I can
Fall in love with my little one
Make beautiful art and show it
Grow close with my brother
Develop a strong yoga practice
Find my voice
Empower people around me
Love my body all the way through

Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Love

Acorn squash
Sunsets
Holding hands
Horses
Puppies
Poppies
Ripe mangoes
Yoga
Deep breathing
Trees
Farmers markets
Sharing feelings
Community

Monday, September 8, 2008

All of Me

Things I love:
The Self
God
Sunsets
This beautiful earth
Horses
Music
Growing vegetables
Friends
My honey
Sharing feelings and being real
Seeing truth
Heart explosions

Things I want in this life:
A home in the woods with space to grow and be together
Big travel
Seeing the most beautiful, alive places
Children
Ecstatic partnership
The ever deepening whirl of freedom
Peace and love with my family

Things that tear me up:
My compulsive relationship with food
Sometimes hating my body
Feeling inadequate and hiding myself
Living in a city
Working full time
Fighting with my mom

Things I miss:
My brother
Rick
Rebekah

Things I hope for:
Radiant health
Inner balance and strength
Divine openings
Loving community
Collective awakening